


The Most Ancient Broken Clock

by french_squash



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Book 5: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Calm Before The Storm, Canon Compliant, First Kiss, Getting Together, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Late Night Conversations, Love Confessions, M/M, Number Twelve Grimmauld Place, Pining, Remus and Sirius living in the same house because they're in love, The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black, but i tried for a hopeful/bittersweet ending, i guess, mention of the Potters death, post Azkaban Sirius is a mess, tried, when honesty's at its best
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-13
Updated: 2018-12-13
Packaged: 2019-09-17 06:15:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16969248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/french_squash/pseuds/french_squash
Summary: In a distressing fit of loneliness and hurt, Sirius' came out of his bed and went to the door in quick strides, thinking of the only other living person in this cursed house. With feet and heart getting colder at each step, he looked at Remus' room's door on the the side of the corridor and tried to breath again. When did he stop, he couldn't remember. But here he was, waiting for something to change, waiting for some kind of revelation, or end to his misery. A part of him, a hopeful and bright part of him -so small and fragile drowned in all his anger and guilt- was convinced that reaching out to Remus was necessary in that moment.





	The Most Ancient Broken Clock

**Author's Note:**

> Excuse me for any typos and grammatical errors, i'm french and typing this at 2am...  
> (i'm an artist first, not a writer, so i did my best with what i have and i have no style i'm so sorry)

It was a cold night in Grimmauld Place, unusual for mid-October, but with a War looming again and the absence of the lively summer's visitors, the old house seemed darker and colder than ever.

  
Sirius laid awake in bed. Not getting any sleep at nights became a habit of his, not one he enjoyed very much mind you, but he couldn't help his thoughts and fears come barreling at him in the middle of them. Waking up sweating and screaming from a nightmare was normal at this point; and scratching at his arms with broken nails : a new way of release he sometimes couldn't stop. But tonight, something else got into his mind. No, not something, someone. Not a dead friend haunting him but a living one : the last living one. He didn't understand when his affection for Remus transformed into more, maybe in some sort of proximity induced madness, or because Remus was the only one to really know him after everything... That wasn't it, it was more than that, thinking of only that would downplay the true meaning of his feelings for his old friend. What he was feeling for Remus was an amazing unique thing. One thing was sure, time and hardships made a feeling grow in Sirius' chest, made of Remus Lupin more than a friend, a Marauder, a reminder of his past. He knew he had to make it all come out before it became a new weapon against himself. Too many things went unsaid between them and they got hurt, other people got hurt, it was time for honesty. And Sirius was always ready to be brave and fight. To talk to Remus.

But the thing was he had no idea of the time, it was night for sure, could he really wake up Remus now or wait for morning...

Sirius got lost in late night musings again, not like the time was any better for anything else. The old great-grand-father's -or was it great-great-grand-father, who cared really- clock was broken. Smashed in a thousand pieces of glass and wood. After Dumbledore and Moody joined efforts to chastise him for saying goodbye to his godson on the Hogwarts Express' platform, he came home and crashed old non-cursed -he wasn't an idiot- things on the walls or with explosive spells. The clock actually needed quite a few hits and went down in a satisfying crunch of old wood, rusty metal gears, and splatters of old memories of ancient and bigoted family members' Sirius couldn't give a shit about.

Thinking of that family's heirloom's destruction brought a small smirk to Sirius' face. He remembered Remus' bewildered face when he saw the remains of the ancient thing laying on the carpeted floor of his childhood bedroom, and the smirk evolved into a soft smile.

Now, reminded of his resolution to talk to Remus, he grew suddenly scared. He gripped the sheets in bony hands -from his 12 years of starvation- and his heartbeat picked up. He was feeling hot and cold, brain and feelings fighting for who would win this battle, tightening his hold on the silken fabric.

In a distressing fit of loneliness and hurt, Sirius' came out of his bed and went to the door in quick strides, thinking of the only other living person in this cursed house. With feet and heart getting colder at each step, he looked at Remus' room's door on the other side of the corridor and tried to breath again. When did he stop, he couldn't remember. But here he was, waiting for something to change, waiting for some kind of revelation, or end to his misery. A part of him, a hopeful and bright part of him -so small and fragile, drowned in all his anger and guilt- was convinced that reaching out to Remus was necessary in that moment.

Sirius opened the door quietly, the old crappy thing couldn't help but creak of course, and the sleeping form in the bed groaned and wiggled out from under the thick covers. The groggy figure of Remus patted the bed to look for his discarded wand, and casted a silent "lumos" when he finally found it in the fold of his sheets. In only the few seconds it took, Sirius considered running out of there and get away from his friend before he did something wrong and ruined the fragile domesticity they managed to find after everything. But he stayed put, back straight, fists closed tight. When a soft light started to emit from Remus' wand, he was greeted by the sight of glorious greying bed hair and the squinty eyes of someone who woke up before getting enough sleep.

Luckily Remus talked before the freezing feeling in Sirius' throat created a very long and awkward silence.

"To what do i owe the pleasure of your presence in the middle of the night Padfoot ?"

His voice was raspy, and he rubbed at his eyes with the hand holding his wand. Remus tried to rise up on his elbow, but fatigue made him still a little weak and he decided to only get slightly less horizontal and lean on the headboard to look at Sirius in a somewhat dignified way. There was nothing dignified about the position, maybe that's why Sirius felt comfortable enough to loosen up and go sit next to Remus on the bed. What had he feared about his friend, he could trust him.

"Nothing's wrong with Harry or anything, you know, it's not a matter of life and death, or anything alarming, no one died... i mean, i don't even know what i'm doing here to be quite honest and i'm sorry for waking you up in the middl..."

"Shhh, shh, shhh, pleeease, let's not use that many words so fast right now ?!"

But seeing Sirius so distressed made the other man reach out for him and put a comforting hand on his cold arm during his rambling. His eyebrows rose at the difference in body temperatures. 

"Hey, get in here, you're freezing."

He didn't wait for Sirius to react, and in a quick fumble of sheets and limbs, the two men laid next to each other under the still warm covers. With the shimmering light of the wand between them, showing with the same softness hardened lines on faces who aged to soon and unaltered beauty of a straight nose or small freckles on cheeks, this moment felt important in its simplicity. Sirius could say anything he craved to let out now, but got surprised by what came out of his mouth first.

"Do you think i'm a good influence for Harry ? I'm not sure to be what he needs, the Weasleys are doing so much more than i could ever do, and who am i to him really."

"Sirius, Harry adores you. You're one of the best persons who came into his life, and you matter a lot to him, don't doubt that."

"It's just that... He seems so angry, or distant, and i'm no good with any of that ! I can't help the kid and he's James' kid, i owe it to James and Lily, to take care of their son. I... I'm such shit at taking care of anyone, but i couldn't bear to let anything happen to the kid. He already went through too much, why is all of this piling up on this one boy ?!"

Remus reached for his hand, linking their fingers together, before giving it a gentle squeeze. He sighed in a long breath, one of his curls fell on his forehead, Sirius couldn't help but push it away with his free hand, Remus had started with the physical contacts and it felt right to carry on with that new development.

It wasn't a matter of indulgent sleepiness though, it felt real and fragile, like the inevitable change from winter to spring, bringing out good things again after long months in wait.

"Harry is coping with a lot of traumas, you know that. I see it's hard for you, it's difficult for me too, because i see so much of you in him..."

Sirius tried to interrupt, what was Moony saying, about him and Harry ?! But Remus didn't let him.

"...I see a lot of you in Harry and i'll tell you what. You've both lived the first years of your lives in unloving terrible families and had to learn how to adapt to people caring about you. Harry with the Weasleys and you... For you it was the Potters. I remember how it was for the first couple months, you were lashing out at everyone and anything. James went crazy, full mother hen mode but you told him to fuck off constantly... He put all of this unwanted affection on me for a while, it was a lot, but it was James so you know how he was like ! I tried to ask around your other friends, Lily, Marlene, even Shacklebolt and i've had only seen you talk to him once, but no one could tell how to help you. Then... Then you did the prank on Snape, and i didn't recognize you anymore. I... I gave up on you after that and i'm so sorry, if i hadn't..."

"You couldn't save me Remus. I... have to understand that i can't protect Harry from everything, i can't save him from the bad things happening in this world. I'm not enough."

Sirius couldn't look at Remus' eyes anymore, they were shining bright, like bursting into flames and bringing life to the warm brown of them with smoldering golds and amber. Remus grabbed Sirius' face with both of his hands, letting go of Sirius' fingers, but with the warm contact of his skin on his jaw he couldn't really miss it. His breathing faltered though, he realized it grew fast after he got passionate during his speech, and this, this touch from Remus, he couldn't handle it.

The look the other man was sending him was everything, bottled up feelings had to come out.

  
"I love you."

In a simple follow-up to that confession, he kissed him. He had no desire to restrain himself anymore, to keep feelings, fears, hope inside of himself for no one to uncover, so he reached out the few centimeters between their lips and kissed Remus Lupin. The most amazing thing though was Remus answering to that impromptu show of love with a tenderness and longing Sirius didn't feel he deserved, but craved with all his being.  
Even with all the need this kiss brought up to the surface, it stayed short, only one breath of a thing, but it promised so many more.

Both of them would become more. And they would be alright at this new-old unit, familiar and yet unknown, they would express things they never told anyone, they never felt like letting go of their minds, maybe old guilt and grief would disappear under this affection from two alike hearts.

They would get this, this piece of something exciting, free, but also hidden so deep inside of them for so long.  
For however long it may last...

**Author's Note:**

> Finished it at 6am because i couldn't type anymore and i had to cut it short ! Excuse me if it was sloppy ! And wow, super short ! But i was talking to dear moonmoon at the same time so i was distracteeeed.


End file.
